


Enough

by Dieced



Category: Magic: The Gathering
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, references AoA, some foreplay but no actual sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-08-23 10:43:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20241556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dieced/pseuds/Dieced
Summary: A slight lapse by Jace triggers a panic attack at the worst possible time. He doesn't want to be a burden, but Gideon is having none of that.





	Enough

They were in Jace's personal quarters. Gideon moved to sit on the bed, and Jace let himself be pulled down to sit beside him. Both of them were already shirtless, and Gideon leaned in to kiss him deeply, cupping the back of Jace's head with one hand while the other traced over his shoulders and chest. Jace hooked his arms behind Gideon's neck and closed his eyes, breathing out deeply through his nose, and let himself enjoy the feeling of Gideon's hands and lips. His shoulders drooped as he began to relax, both his body and his mind...

“_-feels so wonderful... are his ribs too pronounced?”_

“_-last time I buy from them, this is unacceptable-”_

“_-should be home by now, damn that girl-”_

Too relaxed. Jace's eyes snapped open at the sudden wave of foreign thoughts. He hadn't meant to let his mental barriers slip like that. He must be more tired than he'd realized. Closing off his mind again, Jace was more aware of the press of the minds around him than he'd have liked to be, but it was fine. Gideon's eyes had closed too, and he hadn't noticed Jace's minor slip-up. His hand moved up to slowly run through Jace's hair, while his mouth lowered to his neck to kiss softly, and Jace let out a delighted moan at the loving treatment. He moved to straddle Gideon's lap and rub his hands over Gideon's chest in gratitude. Even after so few times in bed together, Gideon already knew how to make him melt, and Jace wanted to return the favor as best he could.

What felt good for Gideon? Almost on instinct, Jace reached out with his mind; not enough to hear thoughts, but hopefully just enough to get more emotional feedback than Gideon's face ever showed. There, there it was: a small spike of pleasure when his hand touched just below Gideon's bicep, which increased when Jace pressed and rubbed. He moved his free hand to Gideon's other side and gave it the same treatment, letting his thumbs reach up and press over Gideon's nipples, and _oh_ Gideon certainly liked that. If Gideon suddenly dropping his head onto Jace's shoulder and grunting in pleasure hadn't given it away, the mental feedback Jace was still receiving surely would have. Emboldened by Gideon's reaction, Jace increased his touches and let his mind relax again, letting Gideon's feelings wash over him.

“_That stupid boy!”_

Jace almost physically recoiled. He'd let his mind relax too much again, and those thoughts had certainly  _not_ been Gideon's. Jace almost shook it off again, but something about the raw anger in that thought worried him, and Jace's conscience compelled him to reach out again.

“_Damn useless boy, what do I even keep him around for? I ought to whip his back for this!”_

Jace's chest tightened, and there were hands on his back.

“_This is all his fault! Everything would've worked out if he'd tried harder!”_

The hands on his back ran over an old scar, and suddenly Jace's mind brought forth the memory of receiving them. _This is all your fault, Beleren._

“_This is... no, damn it, no... it's not, what am I thinking? I'm not being fair, I wasn't... I should apologize to him...”_

As Jace pulled away from the foreign mind, a subconscious part of him finally recognized it as the old shopkeeper across the street who always quarreled with his son, but still forgave each other within an hour. But Jace's conscious mind paid it no heed, because  _there were hands on his back_ . Strong hands, holding tightly, holding him down against the table.

No, that wasn't right. Forcing himself to look down, Jace saw it was Gideon. Of course it was. Gideon's hands were on his back, holding him close. It was all right, Gideon would never hurt him, Jace knew that. But his breath still hitched when Gideon's hand ran over another scar, and suddenly Jace was aware of how shallow his breathing was. His head was starting to spin, and he was still too aware of the thoughts around him, but it was all right. He had to keep telling himself that. Focus on what was happening right now. He was trying to make Gideon feel good, right? That was it. He had to calm down, he couldn't upset Gideon, he had to focus on this.

But there were too many thoughts around him, pressing at his mind. His head was still spinning, and the hands were still on his back, on his scars, and it was too much.  _Too much-_

“W-wait... stop.”

His voice surprised him. He shouldn’t have said that.

Gideon immediately pulled back though, and his face fell when he looked at Jace. “Jace what's wrong? You look like you're going to cry! What did I do?”

Oh no, this was wrong. Gideon was blaming himself. Though of course he would. But this was Jace's fault. He messed this up. He was supposed to be making Gideon feel happy, but he upset him. “I'm sorry- I-” He was still breathing too fast.

“Jace no, don't apologize!” Gideon reached for him again, but Jace immediately stood up in fear, backing a few steps away.

Gideon looked hurt by that, and Jace cursed himself for making everything worse. He lowered his gaze and wrapped his arms around himself, not knowing what else to do. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I don't want...” his voice wavered, and Jace clamped his mouth shut.

“Jace...” Gideon made to reach for him again, but caught himself and patted the bed beside him instead. “At least sit down? Please? I'm worried you're going to fall over.”

Jace complied, but he sat an arm's length away from Gideon.

“There we are. Just breathe now, okay? You're safe, I promise. In and out, that's it.”

They sat like that for several minutes, Jace simply focusing on his breathing while Gideon gently coaxed him through it, until Jace was breathing slowly on his own and he slumped forward, suddenly exhausted. Gideon reached for him again, but Jace flinched and he quickly withdrew his hand.

Jace looked at him for a long moment, then offered his own hand, which Gideon gladly took. He squeezed gently and smiled at Jace. “There you go, you're okay. I've got you, Jace. Do you feel like telling me what happened?”

Jace dropped his gaze to his knees, but he squeezed Gideon's hand back. “I'm sorry, I didn't want to stop, I-” Jace's voice hitched, and he forced himself to take another deep breath.  _It's okay, I can trust Gideon. He won't be mad._ “I just wanted to be able to do this for you, I wanted to make you happy, so I-”  _Looked into your head without asking._ “I heard-”  _Tezzeret._ “My back, my scars, everything was-”  _Burning._ “It was all too much, I'm sorry. I didn't want to upset you, you mean so much to me, but I just couldn't. I... I'm not making any sense, am I?” Jace rubbed at his eyes, which were beginning to burn.

“Breathe, Jace,” Gideon told him. He waited until Jace's breathing slowed down again, then leaned back and let his eyes wander around the room, collecting his thoughts. “I think I do understand. Well, not _everything._ I don't know what you've been through, although I hope you're able to tell me someday. But I think I understand what you're feeling, because I've seen it before.

“I like sleeping with you, I'm sure I've made no secret out of that. I might have been _too_ eager when this began, but you have to understand, I was coming off a very long dry spell.” This got a small laugh from Jace, as Gideon had hoped it would. “But just because I like something, doesn't mean you have to force yourself to do it. I like _you_ Jace. And I won't stop liking you just because you don't want to have sex or something. That's what you're worried about, isn't it? Part of it?”

Jace rubbed at his eyes again and nodded, and Gideon hummed thoughtfully.

“Well don't be. I don't know who made you feel like that, although I do have some guesses. But I don't want you to feel like that about me, and I certainly don't want you to apologize for it. You're human, and you won't be able to do everything you want to, and you definitely shouldn't do everything other people want you to do. I care about you. You mean so much to me too. I know you want to make me happy, but just this? Holding your hand, being with you? This is enough.”

Jace stayed silent, but he let go of Gideon's hand to shuffle closer to him, leaning his head on Gideon's chest and wrapping his arms around him. Gideon's arm hovered awkwardly over him, still not touching, but Jace nodded his consent and Gideon lay his arm around his shoulders, well above the scars. Jace closed his eyes again and listened to Gideon's breathing and his heartbeat, and let his words echo in his head.

_This is enough._


End file.
